I am mid-recording for episode 7 of my podcast when a wasp turns up in the room. I'm allergic. I don't panic about wasps any more, and still I get up, try to close the window, hunt for it, telling myself it's fine.
Afterwards I notice what I skipped: a tightening in my chest, in my hips, in my sacrum. A slight freeze, so subtle I never felt it arrive. What brought me back was my out-breath. I breathed out for longer than I breathed in, and my body came back on board.
If a wasp can do that to me, a hand can do it to you. That is where being touched again after trauma starts: with a body that needs to hear, in its own language, that it is safe.
How do I feel safe being touched again after trauma?
You feel safe by letting your body lead and giving it small amounts of touch it can say yes to, starting with touch you give yourself. Safety is something a body has to feel. Understanding it in your head is a different job.
Talking about what happened is the top-down route. It builds awareness and helps you spot your patterns, and it often leaves out the feedback loop from the body. The bottom-up route begins in the body, which is why I work with somatic touch alongside talking.
Why does my body feel unsafe when my mind knows I am safe?
Because the part of you that decides what is safe runs below thought, and it has not had the news yet. On episode 7 I say it straight to the listener: you have already survived it, and your body does not always know.
That gap is why reassurance from a loving partner can land as nothing. Your body is waiting for evidence it can feel.
What do I do first, before anyone touches me?
Start with your breath and one anchor, alone. Here is the order I use:
- Pause. Notice where your breath goes: upper chest, or lower, into your belly.
- Breathe out for longer than you breathe in. This is the move that brought me back from the wasp.
- Touch Base®. Thumb to forefinger, feel the ridges, say “I am safe right now”, and hold for two minutes.
- Go slower than seems necessary. I have watched people go deep into breathwork before they are quite ready for it, when their nervous system is not yet regulated.
The free Touch Base practice walks you through the third step.
Who or what else can help my body feel safe?
A calm, grounded presence helps, because nervous systems co-regulate. I have a whippet who is massively grounded most of the time, and being near her grounds me. Older dogs tend to do this best; a puppy is too hyper.
The order that works, from least to most contact:
| Stage | What it looks like |
|---|---|
| Alone | Long out-breath, Touch Base®, your own hand resting somewhere that feels neutral. |
| Near something calm | A grounded animal or a steady friend in the room, nothing asked of you. |
| Guided self-touch | One Touch, seven days with my voice. |
| With a partner | Touch that is asked for first, using the Dyad: one prompt, three allowed responses. |
| With me | One to one, at your pace, in a VIP day. |
If you are the partner reading this, supporting a partner with trauma is written for you.
What if memories come back as I start to feel safe?
Then your body has been given room, and you do not have to work through what surfaces by yourself.
Most of the women and couples I work with come to feel safe enough, and once that happens they remember what happened to them. We work through it together, at the speed they can hold.
I match the tool to the person. Depending on who is in front of me that might be RRRR (Rapid Release Rewire Restore), hypnotherapy, EMDR, spinal attunement, energy work or Somatic Experiencing, with Touch Base to come back to safety at any point. If this is your ground, intimacy after sexual assault and EMDR and intimacy go further. I talk about the body side of this on episode 7 and, from the nervous system angle, on episode 6.
If you want a guide who works at this pace, start with Feel Fully You and the free quiz, which shows you the pattern your body built.
Safety arrives at the speed your body can believe it.