In the days after my sister died, I walked through Amsterdam on a call with my coach.
The rhythm of my feet on the pavement was doing something I did not understand then. Left foot, right foot. Left hemisphere, right hemisphere. The same alternation therapists use in EMDR to help the brain process what it cannot process sitting still. My body knew what it needed before my mind caught up.
That is the first thing I can tell you about EMDR. It works with the body’s own rhythm. I tell more of that week in Clearing the Pipes.
What does EMDR actually do?
EMDR reaches a specific moment and processes the charge it holds. It gave me access to the moments that carry the most charge, through bilateral stimulation, eye movements and cross-body work.
The memory stays. What changes is that one moment stops commanding the whole system.
The moment I reach for is often the first time someone learned that reaching out meant getting hurt. The childhood bedroom. The dinner table that went quiet before it got loud. EMDR processes the charge in that memory so the body stops sending its alarm based on outdated information.
Each tool I use reaches something the others cannot.
| Tool | What it reaches |
|---|---|
| Somatic Experiencing | The bracing, the incomplete action, the energy that never got to discharge |
| Polyvagal Theory | Which state a nervous system is in before a word is said |
| EMDR | The specific moment, and the charge held in it |
How do EMDR and relationships connect?
They connect in the body, at the moment someone reaches for you. A touch lands, and an old memory answers before you have decided anything.
In my own method, RRRR® (Rapid Release Rewire Restore), I break every experience into four parts:
- An image
- A thought
- A body sensation, found with the felt sense vocabulary
- An emotion
That is how you can see that every experience has those four elements, and why the work does not stay in the story.
Can EMDR help with sexual trauma?
It can be one of the tools, and I never use it alone. What works for one person does not necessarily work for another, so EMDR sits beside hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing, spinal attunement and Touch Base®.
Safety comes first. Most of the women and couples I work with come to feel safe enough, and once that happens they remember what happened to them. They work through it together, at a pace the body agrees to, and nothing happens without their yes.
Before anything touches a memory, your body needs somewhere safe to come back to. That is what Touch Base® is for: thumb to forefinger, feel the ridges, say “I am safe right now”, hold for two minutes.
The deepest one to one version of this work is the 3 Month Intensive, which is for women.
If sexual assault is what you are carrying, this answer on intimacy after sexual assault is a good place to read first.
Is there an EMDR therapist for intimacy in the UK?
Yes. I am an intimacy and touch coach in the UK and an EMDR therapist, and I work online and in person.
The way in that asks least of you is the free Touch Reset Quiz. It takes about five minutes and shows you where your touch pattern sits.
Picture another year of the same alarm at the same touch. Then picture it quieter.