In a lot of my videos you will hear me say two words to Alex, my fiancé. "You may."
I am not being coy. I am giving him permission out loud, so my body learns that a hand arriving is followed by something good. It took years, and it was necessary.
Why do I flinch when my partner surprises me with affection?
Because a surprise leaves your body no time to agree. The hand arrives first, your yes arrives second, and the flinch happens in between.
Your partner can do everything right and your body still responds the way it has learned to. That tightening is the half second I call the brace. It happens before you decide anything, so it does not check who is touching you or how kind the hand is.
Does the flinch mean I don't want my partner?
Very often it does not. Couples describe a kind hand, a person they love, and a body that braced anyway.
Notice which touches your body receives well, the ones you saw coming or the ones that appeared from behind. That tells you what your body is asking for. If the flinch comes with a locked body or a far away feeling, I wrote about the freeze response as well.
What changes when my partner asks first?
Asking first gives your body a yes it can see coming. In my words: "May I?" "Yes." The touch happens on my word, in my time. That is where both the safety and the charge come from.
Alex and I talked about this one weekend after drawing three of my cards. The first one read: tell me, when it comes to sex, what is a hard no? We gave exactly the same answer. It opened up a beautiful way of connecting, and I talk about it on episode 35 of The Scrumptious Woman.
The intimacy and communication cards give a couple a place to ask before touch, with over 150 cards in the app.
How long does it take for the flinch to settle?
It may take years, and it is necessary. Mine did, and I will not promise you quick.
What shortens the road is small touches that repeat, each one followed by something good. Each one takes seconds. 31 Touch Points is the two of you, three minutes a day, £27.
What can I do on my own while my body learns?
Start with an anchor that belongs to you, and give your yes out loud.
- Touch Base. Thumb to forefinger, feel the ridges, say "I am safe right now", and hold for two minutes.
- Say your yes out loud. When you choose a touch, say so, the way I say "You may". It tells your body that the touch is happening on your word.
You can see everything I do at Feel Fully You, where I work as an intimacy and touch coach in the UK.
You may. Two words, said out loud, and a body that slowly learns what follows them.