Boundary setting in intimacy starts long before the bedroom. Think back to being three or four. An uncle or an auntie comes into the house, and your parents want you to go and give a hug. Everything in your body is retracting. You give the hug anyway, because that is what is expected.
Your body had a no, and it learned that the no could be overridden. It may not even have been you who overrode it. So the question I put to you is how often you override your nos now.
What does boundary setting in intimacy sound like?
It sounds like a no to this one thing, with a when attached.
| The moment | A no with a door attached |
|---|---|
| Your partner comes in for a kiss | “I’d love a kiss, and at the moment I’m not feeling it. How about we connect when I’m done for the day?” |
| Work asks you to stay later | “That doesn’t work for me. I’ll do it first thing tomorrow morning, or come in five minutes early.” |
| Something you do not have room for | “Not right now. Can we speak about it later?” |
Each of those starts with a check-in with yourself. What feels aligned and juicy at this moment? What do you have the bandwidth and capacity for? So often we override our capacity and go ahead, because it is easier than a whole discussion.
Do you have to explain? I ask, does it really matter? Do you have to give the explanation, or can you be with your now? It is a simple exercise, and not an easy one. I walk through it in the Scrumptious Woman episode on the power of saying no.
Why do I say yes when my body says no?
A body taught young that its no can be overridden keeps overriding it.
Look back at this week. Where did you say yes to a cup of tea when you really wanted a cappuccino? Where did your partner come in for a kiss, it did not feel nice, and you went ahead? Where did a hand graze your leg on the tube while you froze and said nothing?
There are so many micro moments where we have felt the no and not acknowledged it. Afterwards comes the shame spiral: why did I say yes? I see this in parents, in my couples, and where trauma happened too soon, too fast, too quick. Oftentimes it is sexual, because that is what people come to me for.
How do I learn to feel my no before I need it?
Practise it in daylight, in your body, before it has to be said under pressure.
- Anchor yourself first. Touch Base®: thumb to forefinger, feel the ridges, say “I am safe right now”, and hold for two minutes.
- Notice the moments. Find the ones this week where your body braced and you went ahead anyway.
- Practise a no with your clothes on. You cannot trust a body whose no has never been respected, so practise a no in daylight until it is boring, and until you recognise what your no, your yes and your curiosity feel like.
I teach that last step with offers and requests, written up in how to enjoy touch again when it started to feel like a chore. If you want a week of it, The Sacred No is a seven-day, body-based experience in the app for feeling your yes and your no one day at a time.
What if I have never felt safe saying no?
Then the no is the work, and it starts with a body that has an experience of its own yes and no.
In the room, I teach a body that has learned the world is not safe that this touch is different. Your no holds, and your yes is required. I work as an intimacy and touch coach in the UK, and this is the centre of what I do.
A year from now, are you still saying yes to the cup of tea while your body wants a cappuccino?