A woman in my room told her husband exactly what she wanted. She wanted to be fed a strawberry from his mouth.
He pulled a face. “Oh no, that’s disgusting.” A hard no, in front of me.
She giggled, and I watched what the giggle was doing. Her body was working out the sum: I asked for what I want, and I can’t have it.
So I slowed everything down. I asked her permission. I read her body. Often that is what is missing: the asking for permission, and the slowness.
Why is it so hard to ask for the touch I want?
It is hard because most of us have learned that what we want is too much, so we stop asking and take what arrives.
I hear that expectation in couples all the time: I am demanding too much. The cost is quiet. The touch you want never comes, and you live on scraps. I start couples with asking for small things outside the bedroom, because once that works, the same asking can move into touch.
I talk about this in episode 34 of The Scrumptious Woman, and it connects to why you can feel it with someone else and not the man you love.
What do I actually say while the touch is happening?
Adjust the touch in the moment, in plain words, and keep adjusting until it is just right.
- “A bit slower.”
- “A bit to the left.”
- “A bit to the right.”
Say yes out loud when something lands. I call it the yes stroke. When I work with a couple who want more intense touch, I ask for a check-in on every touch: can you feel that? Every time it is a yes, say yes. That trains the body’s capacity, your partner gets real answers, and you hear your own yes out loud.
It may be a hell of awkward at first, and that is where the beauty is. If you can stay with the awkwardness over one small request, you can stay with it when the touch is somewhere that matters. It is all building capacity.
How do I say maybe or stop without a long conversation?
Use one word, a colour. I teach a stoplight, and whatever colour you are is only information.
| Colour | What it says |
|---|---|
| Green | Yes, go ahead. We are cruising. |
| Orange | Curious, and a little bit unsure. Adjust it or check in. |
| Red | Halt. Full stop. All play stops straight away. |
The stoplight is part of my Touch Map, where you rate one touch at a time and learn to steer it until it lands. Before any of it, I teach Touch Base® on your own: thumb to forefinger, feel the ridges, say “I am safe right now”, and hold for two minutes.
What if my partner gets defensive or says no?
Ask about the touch itself, because for a lot of men feedback lands as a verdict.
In the couples I work with, being told that something has not been provided lands in him as a verdict on whether he is a good man. What his body receives, before your sentence has even finished, is you have failed. He is defending the feeling of having failed you, and he is doing it without meaning to.
That is why I teach adjusting the touch, with no review of the man attached. When it goes wrong, and it will, you can pause and say, “let’s do that over again.” I come back to this in episode 40 of The Scrumptious Woman. When the answer is no, slow down and ask permission again, the way I did in that room.
You can see everything I teach at Feel Fully You. For a conversation that already has its question written, the Intimacy and Communication Cards give you the prompt.
A year from now, are you still lying there hoping it lands, or are you saying “a bit to the left”?