“Would you like a cup of tea?” No. “Would you like me to take you out to dinner?” No. “Would you like the window open?” No.
That is how I start teaching a couple to touch again. Two minutes of nothing but no, offered and refused, in daylight, with clothes on. Nobody follows through on a single offer. I do it this way because a body whose no has never been respected cannot trust.
Who teaches couples how to touch each other again?
An intimacy and touch coach does, and I teach it as a skill with a structure, not as chemistry. I am Juliette Karaman, an intimacy and touch expert in the UK, and couples work with me in person and online. I do not do one-off sessions. Couples begin with a private VIP day, or take The Beginning, my three-month couples intensive.
Can touch coaching for couples teach you to touch your partner again?
Yes, because touch between two people can be learned. Most couples have been told it is luck, chemistry or technique. I build something else around it: an agreement, a timer, edges, and a no that is heard the first time.
Inside that structure each touch gets a colour on my Touch Map™:
- Green: yes, go for it.
- Orange: maybe, so pause or adjust the touch.
- Red: no touch at all, and everything stops.
Both people can read the colour, so nobody has to guess what the other can take. For more on how a first session runs, read what happens in intimacy coaching.
What does learning to touch your partner again look like?
It starts with offers and requests, in three rounds of two minutes each. You can try it tonight with your partner, and I talk it through in the podcast episode The Skill You Practise Alone Does Not Transfer to Partner Sex.
- One of you makes offers and the other answers no to every single one. Notice where the no lives in your body. No is a full sentence.
- Same direction again, and now every answer is yes to an easy offer, such as playing with your hair. Receive the yes and do not follow through.
- For the last two minutes, the offers are real and the answers are whatever you feel, yes or no. Still nobody follows through.
Then swap roles, and ask each other three questions. What was it like to receive offers and not go through with them? What did receiving a no feel like? What did saying one feel like?
How do you start touching your partner again at home?
Ask first, and believe the answer. Before you touch your partner, ask: “May I put my hand here?” If the answer is yes, stay slow enough that your partner can feel you arrive. Ninety seconds is the most it needs, and nothing else is required.
Ground yourself beforehand, and do not want anything back. The Intimacy and Communication Cards are a good place to begin the conversation, and my Feel Fully You home page shows every other way in.
Picture a year from now, the same two of you on the same sofa, carefully not touching. Where would you want your hands instead?