Yes. Juliette Karaman, an intimacy and touch expert in the UK, is a trauma informed intimacy coach who has been working with trauma and the body for the last 10 years. She works in England, in person and online, with women, couples and men.
That is me. I have been working with trauma and the body for the last 10 years and experience it deeply myself. So when I say the work goes at the pace of your body, I mean your body. Your no holds. Your yes is required.
What makes a trauma informed intimacy coach different?
Safety comes before anything else, and nothing moves faster than your body can take in. In my work that looks like this.
- We always start with safety. Touch Base®: thumb to forefinger, feel the ridges, say “I am safe right now”, and hold for two minutes.
- Your no holds. The moment it arrives, it is honoured. Nothing has to be explained.
- Touch has a time limit. Your body knows exactly when it stops, so the part of you that scans for danger can come down.
- Touch can stay touch. It never has to lead to sex.
- You are allowed to drift. If your attention checks out, nothing is taken from you.
A braced body needs structure. It needs to know when something starts, when it ends, and that the touch right here is different from what it learned before.
What does trauma actually mean here?
Trauma is anything that happened too soon or too fast for your body or your psyche to take in. Big events count, and so do small ones.
It can be the way someone looked at you. A hand that grazed your leg on the tube, and you froze, and said nothing. Your body files every one of those moments. It goes into the tissue as tension, as bracing, as a set jaw or shoulders that have not fully dropped in years. Then one evening your partner reaches for you, and your body answers before you do.
I talk about this on my podcast in The Power of Saying No, and about how the news teaches a body to brace in When the World Feels Unsafe, Your Body Learns to Brace.
Is there an intimacy coach who understands sexual trauma?
This section mentions sexual assault.
Yes, and I understand it from the inside. After I woke up on my half landing, one thing unravelled, then the next. Then I remembered what my mind had buried for twenty-five years. I had been date raped. My body had carried it the whole time. The bracing. The numbness. The years of wondering why I couldn't feel as much as I wanted to.
So many of the women who come to me carry sexual trauma. Some don’t remember it. Their body does. When a woman tells me her body closes and she doesn’t know why, she doesn’t have to explain. I know where it lives.
What qualifications should a trauma informed sex coach have?
Ask exactly what a coach is trained in, and how the work involves the body. If you are looking for a trauma informed sex coach, those two answers matter more than any title.
Here are mine.
- Intimacy and touch expert
- Somatic Experiencing practitioner
- EMDR therapist
- Death doula, with my mother, my sister and my father as they died
Before any of this I was a SENCO, helping children on the autism spectrum feel safe in their own skin. I bring EMDR and hypnotherapy tools in where they are useful, always inside a structure the body can trust.
What does trauma aware intimacy coaching look like in practice?
It starts small, slow and on your own. Trauma aware intimacy coaching builds your body’s own map before anyone else is involved.
- Your own body first. Touch Dates with yourself, short and specific, with a clear end.
- The Touch Map™. One body part at a time, each touch rated green, orange or red. Red means no touch at all. It is done on your own first.
- Then, if you want, a partner. Structured Touch Dates with a time limit, so both of you know when it stops.
Here is something you can do right now, from my podcast. Put one hand on your forearm. Notice the warmth: is your hand warmer or cooler than the skin underneath? Then the weight, when you stop hovering and let it land. Then where: can you feel the edge of it? That is a touch no one is taking from you. You gave it to yourself, on your own terms.
Picture another year of bracing every time someone reaches for you. Then picture a touch that asks first, and waits for your answer.