We communicate with someone every day, so most of us assume we are good at it. Communication is everywhere. It is the words we speak, and it is also the way someone looks at us, the energy we pick up, the frequency our thoughts carry. I spent years teaching boys on the autism spectrum how to read body language, how to notice when someone's energy says a session is over. One of them found me on Instagram years later to tell me he now reads people with ease. Not all of us are taught these skills. They can be learned.
We Listen to Reply, Not to Understand
Here is where it goes quiet between two people. We say something to a partner, a child, a boss, and they hear us, yet it does not land. That is because we do not listen to understand. We listen so we can jump in and say our own thing. This is one of the biggest openings for the couples I serve. They have been together for years, and the refrain is "she never listens" or "he never listens." All of us carry an innate need to be heard, seen, understood, and ultimately loved.
Two things to strike from your vocabulary completely, because they shut the other person down: "why can't you be more like" someone else, and "you never." Comparison is corrosive. Let it go.
The 15-Minute Exercise
First, ask permission. "Do you have fifteen minutes? Can we put our phones away?" Plan it. Make sure the children are elsewhere and you both actually have the bandwidth. Phones on silent, on aeroplane mode. This time is only for communicating what you want the other person to know. The aim is to be understood. Your partner does not have to agree. They only have to say thank you when they have understood, because we all want a safe place to open up.
Start with the first prompt: tell me what you love about me. Your partner answers, "what I love about you is that you are thoughtful, and I feel safe with you." The person who gave the prompt simply says thank you. That is it. No conversation. Then switch. If your partner goes on and on, gently ask them to summarise. Ask this same prompt around five times each, and feel how good it is to receive those answers.
Then move to a second prompt: tell me something you need me to know. This is where it gets vulnerable. "When you promised to take out the rubbish and I noticed on Thursday you hadn't, it had me feel like those jobs don't matter and I have to do everything on my own." Normally we would defend, "yes, but I always do it." Here, the partner just says thank you. You are holding space. We do not need to be fixed. We are whole as we are. Ask it around five times, letting each answer land, letting the next one be about something new.
Why It Works
This method has helped couples come back from the brink. Two of them renewed their vows. What shifts is simple: you stop trying to win and you start letting each other be fully seen. We can bring what is on the inside out by being ourselves and feeling everything, without needing to repair the other person in the middle of it.
No partner right now? Do it with your children. Swap the prompts: tell me what went well today, tell me what was challenging, tell me one thing you would like more of. You teach them to notice what is good, and you teach them that home is where they are understood. Then turn it on yourself at the end of the day. What went well? What brought me joy? It might be as simple as opening the doors to the garden and feeling the breeze on your face.
"The aim is not to go into a conversation. It is to create a really safe space to open up, where you can feel understood, seen, and heard."
Listen to the full episode
Episode 2, Unleashing Scrumptious Communication, on The Scrumptious Woman.
This teaching is part of Juliette Karaman's body-based work on touch, desire, and structured connection.
Work with Juliette: feelfullyyou.com/work-with-me