Where Body Shame Really Comes From

Body shame is a big subject, so this is one small nugget of it. From the many women and couples I have worked with, I have noticed it rarely starts at a certain age. It is ingrained early. When I talk about trauma, my definition is anything that happened too fast or too soon for the body or psyche to absorb, leaving an imprint.

The Trauma Cycle We Never Complete

In the animal kingdom, a rabbit chased by a predator runs, escapes, and then shakes. It completes the cycle and moves the charge out. When someone makes a remark about how we look, we brush it off and say it does not affect us. It loops back through our thoughts and returns as an emotional charge. Body shame often begins with a look, as small as reaching for an extra cookie and catching a grandmother's expression, and a young mind interpreting it as "I am greedy, I am unlovable." That loads into the body and the mind.

Add social media, where everything is fast and we want to be gratified instantly. We compare and decide we are not beautiful enough, not the right shape, our voice or hair or wrinkles all wrong. People become mirrors. We see something attractive in them, try to imitate them, and squeeze ourselves into a box that is not us. I know this terrain. I have lived across cultures and been put in boxes by people who did not understand me, and I have lost about half my body weight after four children in under three years. Even when the weight comes off, you often still see the earlier version of yourself in the glass, and the old sayings keep running.

Learning to Receive

Notice how you receive a compliment. Do you deflect with "oh, this old thing"? Walk past a building site and get a whistle, and part of you feels seen while another part feels invaded. That is the seesaw of life. For something to feel good, we have to be willing to feel the other side too. When we block our emotions, we block all of them, the grief and the ecstasy alike. Releasing the charge is how we get the full range back.

The Two-Minute Mirror Practice

Looking in the mirror is one of the most challenging exercises for people. Start small. Two minutes a day, morning or evening, while you brush your teeth. Look at your face and describe what you see, out loud if you can. "My eyebrows lift a little here. There is a blue vein near my hairline. A little shadow under my eyes. A few freckles on the bridge of my nose. Two lines at the side of my lip. Kind blue eyes that sparkle." Stay completely value-neutral, as if you were noticing a woman passing a cafe. Then feel what it is like in your body to be that impartial about yourself. That impartiality is where the charge begins to release.

Releasing the Charge

Now bring to mind a time someone said something about you that you did not like. You are visiting the memory, not reliving it. Name the emotion out loud and rate it from one to ten. Place a hand where you feel it in the body. There may be tightness or stuckness. When that part feels safe enough, give it characteristics: where it is, its size, colour, temperature, whether it is still or moving. Ask it what it wants for you. Often the answer is simply, "I want you to feel me," or "I want to feel safe." Create that felt sense of safety in your mind's eye, fully, until you can see it, feel it, hear it. Anchor it as your new baseline. Ask if there is anything higher it wants, and keep going until it is quiet.

Then return to the original emotion and rate it again. Very often the charge is simply gone. Finish by choosing two things you can do for yourself today that will have you feel happy: a long walk, a stroll in the park, a small bouquet of flowers on the table so that every time you see them, you remember you did something for yourself.

"Awareness is the first step towards self-love. This is who I am, and this is the first step to getting in touch with who you are."