Long before anyone called me an intimacy and touch coach, I was working with children on the spectrum.
Many of them could not quite get in touch with their feelings. So I learned to read the room. I learned to explain things in a way a child could actually understand.
Sometimes it was as simple as sticking out my hand. This far is a good distance for me. Right up in my face is too close.
That hand is still where touch coaching starts for me. Before anything else, your body gets to say how close is close enough, today.
Find what works for you today. Tomorrow it might be different again.
What does an intimacy and touch coach actually do?
An intimacy and touch coach helps your body find the touch it can say yes to, then builds on that yes in steps small enough to hold. With me, it runs in this order.
- Safety comes first. Touch Base, every day: thumb to forefinger, feel the ridges, say “I am safe right now”, and hold for two minutes.
- Find your way in. Your Touch Pattern (Holder, Operator or Wanderer) and your Pleasure Language. The Touch Reset Quiz shows you both.
- Map it. The Touch Map takes one body part at a time and tries each pleasure language as a different touch. Green is yes, go for it. Orange is maybe, pause or adjust. Red is no touch at all. You do it on your own first, as a self-touch date, before a partner is anywhere near it.
- Build capacity. Self-touch dates kept specific and small. Three minutes, then five, seven, ten, fifteen.
- Bring it to a partner. Structured touch dates and the Dyad, so the two of you have a container to practise in.
I tell the story of that outstretched hand on my podcast in From Overgiving to Receiving, and the three-minute build, stoplight and all, is in The Truth About Squirting.
Is touch coaching sexual?
It can be, and it does not have to be. A lot of it starts a long way from sex.
You decide whether you want sexual touch, or whether it stays sensual, physical, maybe energetic. Plenty of it starts with three minutes of stroking the inside of your own wrist, so slowly you can feel every single stroke. Numb is a sensation too, and it tells you where to begin.
Some of my work goes deeper into the body. I do internal bodywork, and I am trained in tantra and BDSM and use those tools when they fit the person in front of me.
Who does an intimacy coach in the UK work with?
Women, men and couples. What changes is where each one starts.
| Who | What the work is about | Where to start |
|---|---|---|
| Women | Her own yes, her own pleasure, desire in her own body | The Touch Reset Quiz, One Touch, or The 3 Month Intensive |
| Men | De-armouring, and learning how to touch a partner | When She Goes Quiet or a men's VIP day |
| Couples | Touch and talk that feel safe for both, the Touch Map for each | The Cards or The Beginning |
I do de-armouring work with women and men in my intensives, and I teach the men how to touch their partners.
How do I choose a touch and intimacy coach?
Ask what they have trained in, and ask whether they have done this work in their own body. Here is what I bring into the room.
- Somatic Experiencing practitioner
- EMDR therapist
- Hypnotherapy
- RRRR®, Rapid Release Rewire Restore
- Spinal attunement and energy work
- Trained in tantra and BDSM
- Death doula
One person's way through is rarely the next person's. So I keep a wide set of tools and choose from it for the body that has come to me, on the day it has come.
For the wider picture of how I work, read my pages on being an intimacy expert in the UK and somatic coaching. For the five ways into pleasure, start with What Are the Touch Languages?.
Picture another year of being touched at a distance you never chose. Then picture a hand held out, this far, and your body getting to say where.