Episode 09 Embracing Grief and Love

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

grief, grieving, feel, love, point, programme, emotions, scrumptious, talk, person, tummy ache, funeral, juliette, anger, life, people, happen, light, near death experience, podcast

SPEAKERS

Juliette Karaman

Juliette Karaman  00:01

Welcome to the scrumptious woman with Juliette Karaman. This is a sacred space, where we embark on a profound journey, reinventing the most intimate relationship in life. Relationship with yourself. We look within uncover and reclaim the territories of relationships, intimacy, sensuality, kink, spirituality, embodiment, communication, parenthood and grief. Through this podcast, we challenged ingrained beliefs and address taboo subjects. Awareness truly is the first step towards self love. Welcome once again to the scrumptious woman, and get ready for an adventure as we dive deep into your essence. Together we will receive reveal, rewire and restore the secrets to living a more scrumptious life. Are you ready? Let’s begin. Hello, my love’s I’m super happy to be here with you again today. And today I wanted to touch upon grief. And knowing that grief is such a natural part of our lives, and yet, we often don’t know how to deal with people that are grieving. And with grieving, what I really mean is it could be someone that you love, or someone that you knew passed over, has died, you may be grieving the end of a relationship where you’ve broken up you have your marriage, we’ve been in partnership and that has broken up. And or it may be you’re grieving a relationship or friendship that all of a sudden didn’t pan out. And the person that you thought was a good friend of yours, has hurt you in a certain way, the grieving of a loss of a job, it could be anything that changes your emotional state, because your emotional state is really the place where we are tapped into or to where this is our usual state of being we are with another person we are in her job, we are in a pattern that we ran. And we are getting some emotional hit from it right some some emotional validation, and which is completely normal. This is what life is about, right? We’re in partnership, we’re in communication with the universe, we’re in communication with ourselves where we’re in relationship with everything and everyone around us. That is really what has us tech. And grief really is that point where there is no longer that part of you that identity of you saying, for instance, a mother who has lost her only child, the identity of mother, then she may feel that she is no longer a mother. Or she may feel I’m only now a mother who has lost a child. And we then identify with that identity with that persona that we have as a grieving widow or whatever. It’s like we had this love and that was in some way taken away from us that is no longer in our life. How do we how do we deal how do we deal with that? How are we with our emotions? Are we with our feelings? How do we tap into our body sensations? How do we tap into the different stages of grief? And a lot of people have written about grief. And one of the beautiful things is Queen Elizabeth what she wrote is grief is the price that we pay for love. And really let that sink in for a minute. Grief is a price that we pay for love. So allowing yourself to grieve, to grieve that loss of a person a job or a circumstance in life really allows you to feel how deeply you love how wide your heart is open. How much you love. And I remember when my my sister passed away, my sister was the life of the party. She was three years older than I am when she turned when she was 51 she had these really bad tummy aches and she she set up her own business and has twice as well as me and has one of her twins has cerebral palsy says in a wheelchair. So for her life, she’s really been looking at how she can be the best mother but how she can also be the best businesswoman and create the life that she wanted for her kids and for her and her husband. So at one point, she’s like, Yeah, really have this tummy ache, and she thought she had a very insists. And it took a while to get diagnosed. And within a few months, we had heard that she had cancer, they opened her up and try to take as much of the cancer out as possible. And within five months, she was terminal, and she passed away. And for me, that has been one of my biggest gift is actually slowing down enough to be with her to experience this journey as her last few months in her life. Although I was living in London was running conscious, intricate sexuality, programme practice in the UK brought their coaching programme over one point, it was like, No, I’ve got to step out of this and actually be with her. Because I’d fly over town and be over for a few a few weeks, few days. And then I come back again, depending on what the time schedule was. Because I have four kids, right, also taken care of in London. And then when she passed away, I remember there were so many stages, and the one stage that I didn’t want to let myself feel was the anger. And I remember, she came home and died at home. And the moment that the day that she died, she asked me Jules, Hey, can I go back to the light? Because I had explained to her my life my near death experience and how I remembered that by doing a sacred ceremony. This was all the little breadcrumbs, right that that brought me on my path. Somehow I was in this sacred ceremony with a shaman doing a sacred medicine that had me go back to my near death experience. So when she was in the hospital, we talked about this. And I said, Listen, it’s like going through a dark tunnel. It’s like going back to the light. And at one point I just became the air I became the light I became all the energy around me. It was like complete ego death, there was the death of all the personas that I thought the body everything. So we discussed this a lot. We talked about anything that might have been left unsaid what she wanted for her funeral what she wanted for her kids, what she wants is for her husband, and must vote what she wanted for us how we want now she wanted us to remember her and to to continue to have her essence flow through. So the day when she died when she was home. She said to me in the morning, she goes, Can I go back to the light.

08:22

And it was tough. We knew it was going to happen. But the point was,

Juliette Karaman  08:29

and it’s probably one of the most beautiful things that I could have done is to give her this space and yet be so closely in communion with her as she struggled with those last few days because people that are leaving that are passing on. They physically want to hang on because they want to be there for their kids for their family. And yet they know that they go back to this nothing that’s so the funeral director came we watched her dressed her and put makeup on her the way that she liked to look. And then we stayed at home with her and I’m really together with her, her children. And her husband we talked about we remember her and Belgium it’s called the funeral feast. And that was kind of how we really how we held weight how we remembered her and then as the purse came to pick her up. My nephew and niece and her husband drove off behind her and then went away to some to their their country house their farm. And I remember sitting in my car, looking at the house thinking like, I don’t think I’ll ever see you again. No, there will never be that same feeling of closeness I drove to Belgium from Holland, and to be with my parents because they were elderly and I wanted to support them. And I remember coming in the door and walking into the TV room where they were sitting, watching, watching TV might actually honestly mindlessly having the TV on to numb themselves to not have to feel all the sensations. I remember kissing them, obviously, breaking down and crying. And then it was so beautiful for me to see how they agreed to come sit down. Let’s watch this. And let’s take our mind off. And I was like, Mom, Dad, I adore you, I love you. And that’s not my way of breathing, I can’t. So at one point, it got so claustrophobic for me for having to be with them in their way of grieving while I was still grieving as well, I was deeply angry that I stayed there for a few days, I made sure that they were okay that they had people to help put them to sleep help wake them up, because they were wobbly as well. And then I drove back to Amsterdam, and I state in the flat that, that they started with their arrangements of the funeral. And this is how you arrange a funeral when you’re in a state of just being discombobulated honestly. And my brother in law had asked me Could I be the one that opens the speeches, Memorial. I said, of course. And I just noticed myself I noticed a pattern, pattern. Detective here, even in the midst of that, I noticed a pattern where everything was more important than actually sitting down and writing that speech. And some of you will understand this, right? Some of you might be like, you dangle a carrot in front of you, like, you know, you give them praise, whatever. That really helps. And other people actually like doing things that last moment, they need the pressure. But for me, I think it’s a little bit of both. But I also noticed that there was a lot of anger there. And of course, anger at what anger at God anger at the universe, yes, all of the above. But the one thing I wouldn’t let myself feel is the anger towards her. I had a kickass. Coach at that time. Thank God for that. So what we did is I put my headphones on and she said, Listen, let’s go for a walk. She was abroad, she was in the UK and I was in harnesses before Take me with you. And then I want to put a timer on. And this is I’m going to teach you this exercise now. I’m gonna put a timer on I’m gonna ask you whatever you haven’t let go of whatever you still need to let go of whatever you need to say to the other person. So just imagine that I’m having your sister or whoever it is that you have grievances with and whatever person it may be, whatever institution it may be, whatever fantasy whatever it is, just imagine that I take on that persona. And then I will ask you tell me what you need me to know. And honestly I ranted and raved and I got angry and I was like we were supposed to grow up we are we’re supposed to grow all together. We’re supposed to see our kids get married, we’re supposed to be at each other’s graduation. gowns key holidays together because we all do an apartment and variable France together. And there was so much rage that I hadn’t allowed myself to feel. And if you’ve heard me on podcast, you know that the only way out is through. So the only light out of a situation is to go deep within to duplicate it to feel all those feelings, maybe to start shaking a little bit to start tremoring and letting that emotion move through your body and then out. So I think we did this for about 15 minutes. And after a while I felt like I was completely hollowed out. It’s like if you think about a loo and it’s it’s gotten blocked up with lots of blue paper, lots of toilet paper, you give it a good flush and sometimes you need to get these these sticks to really get through there and move all the toilet paper down the drains. This is what it feels like when If you do this clearing, it’s really beautiful clearing process. So try this for yourself, you can do it right written, you can do it by yourself, or you can have someone else hold space for you. And then, but definitely have a timer for, I would say start with five minutes, it’s always good to start with five and then build up to 15. And you think I don’t have anything else to say. But the thing is, it’s goes in waves, sometimes you’ll have an initial hits, like I’m angry at this, alright? So it goes like this, tell me what you need to say, tell me what you need me to know. Those are the two prompts. Tell me what you need me

15:44

to know. Like, I’m angry at you. I’m angry at you for dying.

Juliette Karaman  15:51

And the other person says, Thank you. And then the same prompt, tell me what you need me to know. Like, I miss you. I miss your physical touch. And the other person says thank you, you can do this yourself. You can write it down, or you can speak at him to your, your phone. And then at one point, they’ll ask you the same question, tell me what you need me to now tell me what you’ve withheld from me.

16:20

It’s like, I’ve withheld from you that I really love you. And I miss you. Thank you.

Juliette Karaman  16:27

Tell me what you’ve withheld from me, tell me what you need to know. It’s like, and that’s when the real gold gets then that’s when these little snakes under the grass come out. It’s like, Oh, I was jealous about one point that your mom gave you more attention than me? Like, how, where did that come from. And once you allow all those emotions to come through, you get to this point of clarity. And I remember walking out stood out, walking around the canals. And like, everything became brighter. It was it was in November, it was dark, it was grey, it was rainy. And all of a sudden, there was no ray of light. I was like, Oh, hello, hello energy, you’ve just changed. And some people might say that to guide was her spirits coming through whatever you believe in. But all of a sudden, I knew exactly what I wanted to say. So I said goodbye to my coach. And I just dictated I walked and I dictated I talked to myself I recorded it came back to the flat, got my computer out. There’s a great programme called alter AI that you can actually transcribe, and there’s a whole bunch of other programmes out there that you can transcribe your spoken text to written text and transcribe it. Then I organised that into a coherent speech into coherent talk. And then I broke it down into just the points that I wanted to speak about.

18:11

And that is how you move through anger. And then with grief,

Juliette Karaman  18:16

there is often the phase of being completely flabbergasted like like, this amazement, like what has just happened, my whole world has just rocked I cannot believe this is actually what happened. That bewilderment that that sense of loss. And again, this is often where people will start working really hard. If you actually knew the loved one, this is where funeral planning and who do you invite to the funeral and what needs to happen next, etc, etc, etc. And then this date, there’s so much that comes into that, so that you’re actually in a state of constantly getting that masculine brain on to make sure that you can actually function in the world. And then it’s the times that night or the times when you have a moment to breathe, that that bewilderment that sense of disbelief sets in. And again, the invitation is really to allow yourself to feel this to be with it. Have the tears flow? Yeah, I’ve had people actually have a temper tantrum, a temperature tantrum little bit like like little kiddies, right like throwing themselves around the supermarket if they don’t get their sweetie or anything that they want from their mother and then they shout and scream and throw their feets enhancer up. And it’s a really beautiful way to actually release some of those emotions that are stuck. Give maybe too big an emotional release for people, but at the same time when your body wants to shake, and when it wants to get clever, and when it wants to really make those big movements, don’t stop it, your body knows your body reveals to you what you need. And then comes a point of acceptance of like, wow, okay. This is the state that I am in now, this is what happened, how the heck do I deal with this. And that’s when your logical brain comes online a bit? Again, right? This is like what I was saying, I went through the anger. And if I had been in that anger mood for much longer, I would have not been able to communicate, I would have not been able to communicate how I feel it would have come out in a way that just wouldn’t feel good for anyone. And that’s what I often see with with people with couples that are grieving that are just snapping at each other in or in a divorce will snap at each other because they’re they’re stuck in that anger phase. And they just want to as an animal, someone that is an animal that is being chased, or that’s your predators coming really close, it’s going to snap, but it’s going to try and fight its way out. That’s what often happens in that anger stage. And once you can move through that, that is when the logical brain comes back on and you’re like, Okay, step 12345. Cool, this is what I can deal with. And then you actually start making plans, action steps on how to move certain things through. The beauty of this is that no one’s grief, is the same. And I, as someone who’s had my sister Passover, then, six months later, my father and I was with him as well, again, explaining what was going to happen to him that they were going to administer medicine is His breathing was going to stop and he was going to go back to the light. Miraculously, he was completely lucid after six months. Six months of massive dementia, and not being able to speak or talk or actually comprehend. And his whole body was like, Yes. And then again, six months later with my mother. So the beauty of it is that time what people say time heals all wounds and say, do you actually want to heal this wound? Or do you want to love and you want to continue to love and feel all those emotions, but that you can do that without having any negative charge with any negative emotions tied with it. So over those three years, lots of grief. And yet I wear it on my sleeve, I actually became very intimate with it. I showed it, I looked at it to see what it had to show me how I could be more of myself with all the grief with the laughter, the joy in life, the absolute ecstasy. And then one split second, the moment of grief, the pain that emotions would come through and where there is not flying tears. And most people are not aware of how to deal with people that have lost someone so refil Well, you know, will pass time will heal wounds, you know, but at least you still have your children and all these ways of trying to comfort someone or are well meant. And that as someone grieving is always the first thing because they don’t know what to say people don’t know what to say. So my advice to you is, be with that person. See them?

24:13

You can say things like, I don’t, I can’t even imagine what it’s like. Or you can say

Juliette Karaman  24:20

I see your grief and it really reminds me of a time when whenever you are grieving the saying I’m loving you I’m putting in so much love.

24:32

If there’s anything if you ever want someone to just hold space for you, I’m here.

Juliette Karaman  24:42

And also, I would add to that is don’t be afraid to reach out and you don’t have to feel how’s he going to snap but just sometimes a little text message saying hey, I love you. I’m thinking of you. That is enough because in the beginning When you’re grieving, a lot of people will have a lot of empathy for you as they are for you, and you talk your story and you go to grief counselling or you, you are in groups where we all talk about our feelings. And then at one point that kind of Peters off, and it’s like, what now? That is when your friends, your family and those around you, if you just remember. And if that one instance that you’re actually thinking like, how was he to me, just send a text or send a heart picking over you, your energy is felt, and that is so much more important than someone conscious mean someone trying to advise them on how to feel or not knowing how to how to handle the roof, so not saying anything at all, because all of a sudden there is that void. And that void often wants to be filled, that void is often so uncomfortable, that we want to fill it with anything with whatever with sugar we’re dancing with with Mindlessly scrolling with watching too much TV, with alcohol, whatever it is. But the beauty is to fill that void to fill the void of that reef of the experience. Pay You have lost that persona that you no longer are.

26:30

So my loves, be intimate with grief, shine a light on it, and see what it has to show you and how you can actually make grief become your biggest teacher.

Juliette Karaman  26:45

Much love, and we’ll speak soon. Thank you for joining the scrumptious woman podcast. I appreciate you being here as time is your most precious commodity. If you enjoyed these insights, please hit the like and subscribe button. By doing so you’ll stay connected. Visit feel fully Europe calm for a wealth of resources, tools and guidance to support your journey towards living a more scrumptious life. Follow me on Instagram under the handle Juliette caravan. French spelling with double te Karaman Facebook again, Juliette Karaman don’t keep this magic to yourself. But share this podcast with anyone who you feel will benefit from this energetic exploration. Spread the wisdom ignite their inner fire and empower them to embrace their true selves. Together let’s create this ripple effect of transformation and inspire others to embark on their own journey of self discovery. Thank you for being part of our vibrant community. Stay fully you and continue to radiate your unique essence and all that you do